An Apology to My Readers (or, Humouring My Dad)

I need to start off this post by explaining that my Father is a bully. He has spoken to me almost daily for the last year about the importance of writing more, and how I am in danger of losing readers because I have stopped posting. (Really, he means that he’s going to stop reading as he’s really my only follower. Thanks, Dad.) He has also insisted that I write an apology to my followers (him) for my lack of posts.

So, here it is.

Dear Reader, I am sorry I have not been writing. Luckily for you I am a huge believer in excuses rather than sincerity, so please read on so I can explain why my dazzling wit has been absent from your life these last twelve months.

Reason Number One: I am currently dating someone and am only really funny when I’m alone, drinking wine straight from the bottle and watching Gilmore Girls on a Saturday Night … and every night. (In all honesty I actually miss those evenings. My sweat pants have been so lonely on my shelf this last year!) Don’t get me wrong, my Gentleman Friend is a fine one, but it’s hard to write hilarious dating stories starring the guy you actually want to stick around.

Reason Number Two: Pinterest. Yup. It’s true. I, like every other woman between the ages of 20 and 50 have succumbed to the Pinterest Phenomenon. I am well and truly addicted with over a thousand pins that I have never looked twice at. The thrill of hitting “Repin” has become my crack and the hours spent browsing crafty crafts that make me feel horribly inadequate and not creative at all are hours well spent. (I’m not gonna lie, I’m even browsing Pinterest right now, on my phone, as I write this.)

Reason Number Three: I am intimidated by my own hilarity. Need an explanation for this one? No? Well, Ima give you one anyway! Every time something moderately funny happens, or every time my Dad comes up with a semi-inspiring speech on why I need to “stop wasting my talent” I go back and read old posts. And damn, am I ever funny! My own brilliance gives me a horrible anxiety. How can I ever live up to my Golden Age of Blog Posts? How can I satisfy my one reader? It’s terrifying!

Blogging is a hard life, though it’s one I still believe in.

Hopefully this apology will inspire me to write more, or at least guilt you, dear reader, into continuing your subscription to what promises to be sporadic mediocrity.

Sincerely,

SMRP.

the “ish” factor (or, I used to be funny)

I can picture you reading this right now, leg over your knee as the news loads in the background, thinking to yourself “What happened? She used to be funny.” You shake your head in disappointment.

You’re right. I was funny (at least, I was funnier). And now? Well, now the only laughs I get are from jazz hands and Potter enthusiasm. It’s tragic. As a beautiful-ish girl what else do I have to fall back on if not my illustrious (and unpaying) career as a blogger?

Nothing. I have nothing to fall back on. My Potter jokes will only carry me so far in life.

(Here’s one for you:
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
You know.
You know who?
AVADA KEDAVRA!)

BAM! That’s right, I went there.

I suppose I could try to take up serious writing (since Sirius writing has already been done … thank you, JKR!).

But serious fiction has never been my forte. I tend to veer too far into the “angst zone” when writing fiction and, as I am not a twelve year old girl or Stephenie Meyer, I can’t really get away with it.

Another option would be for me to retire from blogging all together. Write one last post for my loyal follower and gracefully bow out, never to blog again. But that option doesn’t sit well with me. (Not out of any faith in my ability to overcome this lull, or any misplaced stubbornness. No, I can’t retire because I can’t leave on such a low note. I need to wait until I get some laughs, bring tears to your eyes, or at the very least get sued by Nicholas Sparks for my past and future tirades.)

Really, the only path I can take is to continue posting, revelling in my mediocrity and “ish-factor”. Don’t worry, I promise to throw in the occasional lolcat and someecards picture so you can at least laugh at something.

PS. Admit it, you laughed at the knock knock joke. Don’t worry, I did too.