The Big 3-0

il_fullxfull_1188239041_pzkrI am turning 30 in exactly twenty five days.

(I’m not going to lie there is a large part of me that is kicking itself for not getting this post out five days earlier so I could have talked about my “Thirty Day Countdown to Thirty. Alas such are the perils of short sightedness and the art of missed opportunities!)

Twenty Five Days from now I will hit the big one, the big 3-0 and I honestly am feeling pretty ok about this.

Not thrilled, but also not devastated. You know, kind of ambivalent? Very meh?

Sure, I’m not “Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving” like Jennifer Garner always lead me to believe I would be and there are so many things I would change if I could, but I’m also fairly confident with my place in life. I’m better off than most and not as well off as others, and isn’t that just the perfect spot to be as a millennial?

Still, this Big Birthday does carry some significance and as such I feel the need to commemorate it with a list of some sort. Obviously. Though really it’s more of a rambly stream of thoughts than a traditional list … perhaps this is a sign of my advancing senility?

But I digress.

Without further ado I bring to you Dear Reader(s?) (Are there more than one of you left after my lengthy absence? Or is it just my Dad?) “Thoughts on Thirty”:

  1. I can finally play a teenager on TV. (Assuming I could act, which I can’t.)
  2. The above mentioned reference is clearly dated as actors in their early twenties now play teenagers and the early 90s practice of having really old people play kids a la ‘Saved By The Bell’ is a bit passé. This is yet another sign of my advanced age.
  3. Instead I can act as the love interest of Harrison Ford, Clint Eastwood, or any other aged film star past his prime. (Or at least I can for another two years; I think the cap on playing the love interest of a 60+ year old in Hollywood is 32. Better double check with Maggie Gyllenhaal.)
  4. In non-Hollywood related thoughts I can finally say a firm, all caps “NO” to going out on evenings and weekends without getting sucked into the FOMO lifestyle of twenty-something’s.
  5. In addition to point 4, I can finally make fun of FOMO out loud instead of just as part of my internal monologue.
  6. And Bae. Anyone who says Bae in my company is going to receive a disparaging glare and will earn my eternal ridicule. This really has nothing to do with turning thirty, I just hate abbreviations. Especially abbreviations that make me feel old. (My apologies to fellow bloggers who say “Bae, FOMO, totes, etc.” I still like you even if your posts make my brain bleed.)
  7. Which reminds me, is “On Point” still a thing? Like, is this Post On Point? I just have no idea anymore.
  8. But, in more positive news, turning thirty brings me one year closer to being debt-free – just another 276 years of paying the minimum payment on all of those credit cards to go and I’ll kick that sucker in no time!
  9. With the advancements of science and technology I may actually live to see those 276 years go by so I can celebrate my debt-free existence with an unnecessarily large and frivolous purchase that I cannot afford.
  10. Boxed wine is no longer acceptable. Instead spring for the $12 bottle and drink it like you understand a word the liquor store guy said about “tannins”.
  11. Can I drink this wine and toast to being unmarried? Does that make me independent and worldy?
  12. What if I cry into the glass and just tell my horrified friends that the salt in the tears brings out the tannins?
  13. Who needs marriage anyway?
  14. And how should I respond to the complete stranger telling me that my ovaries are dead? Is it considered rude to kick strangers in the genitals?
  15. What if I just carry around a bottle of baby vomit and a recording of a child crying and chase the perpetrator around with both until they sob uncontrollably and leave me alone?
  16. Can strangers tell I am bitter?
  17. Also, is thirty really the new twenty?
  18. And what does that even mean?

Full Disclosure: I originally wanted to write “Thirty Thoughts on Turning Thirty” but I really just don’t have that many thoughts about this whole thing. I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or not.

Perhaps it’s good that I am attempting to return to blogging, this gal clearly needs some practice on her introspection.

Sincerely,

S.M.R.P.

Fictional Characters I Wish Were Real (or, My Imaginary BFF’s)

I’d say this list is in honour of ‘World Book Day’ which took place yesterday but since half of the people on it are from TV Shows that’s not very believable. Let’s just be honest and say I wrote this list because I wanted to.

Please note I have nothing against my real friends. I just obviously think these people would be cooler to hang around and would totally up my street cred (which could really do with some ‘upping’).

So without further ado I bring to you, dear reader, my list of “Fictional Characters I Wish Were Real” (or, “My Imaginary BFF’s”):

1) Veronica Mars
Pros: She’s badass, sarcastic, and could help me with any and all future detective work. Maybe we could even start our own business.
Cons: Her awesomeness would outshine mine.

2) Tony Stark (aka. Iron Man)
Pros: Played by Robert Downey Jr., super brilliant, super rich, SUPER HERO. Also, I would never have to drink alone.
Cons: He doesn’t really seem like the type to share and, if I’m being honest, there really is no point in having a friend with a super badass superhero suit unless you can borrow it.

Oh, Methos! You were one of my first fictional crushes. Not just an older man but the OLDEST man. Be still my heart.

Oh, Methos! You were one of my first fictional crushes. Not just an older man but the OLDEST man. Be still my heart.

3) Methos
Pros: With Methos as my “phone a friend” I would be able to beat my brother in ANY history debate. Plus he has such a soothing voice.
Cons: People are always trying to chop off his head. (If you don’t know who Methos is FOR SHAME! Highlander is still one of my favourite shows.)

4) Hermione Granger
Pros: She’d be able to introduce me to my future husband Harry Potter AND she would be my “in” to all things Hogwarts.
Cons: She’s friends with Ginny Weasley whom I obviously dislike. Bitch.

Deep down I know we wouldn't really get along, but I'm sure mutual hatred is just as much a basis for friendship as common interests ... RIght?

Deep down I know we wouldn’t really get along, but I’m sure mutual hatred is just as much a basis for friendship as common interests … RIght?

5) Kara Thrace, (aka. Starbuck)
Pros: She’s badass, no-nonsense, and hands down the best viper pilot ever. Bonus: think of all the jokes we could make while in an actual Starbucks!
Cons: She’s a bit of a bitch and would probably sleep with my boyfriend.

6) Rory Gilmore
Pros: I feel like we would just have the best time ever, hanging out and making cool literary and pop culture references.
Cons: I don’t really want to compete with Lane for “best friend status” and don’t even get me started on Lorelai.

7) Rogue
Pros: She’s one of the X-Men who I have been obsessed with since I was 5. Plus she’s pretty badass with a super tragic backstory and a penchant for witty banter.
Cons: I’m in love with Gambit so that may cause a pretty big rift between us … Thou shalt not covet thy friend’s boyfriend.

8) Doctor Who (11th Incarnation)
Pros: I would get to hang out with Amy and Rory all the time (at least until “that thing” happened), I would get to see all of time and space and have the BEST adventures.
Cons: I can’t run very fast and would probably die. Or, if I did make it out alive, I would probably end up with some serious abandonment issues when he left me for another companion.

9) Mercy Thompson
Pros: She’s a coyote shifter, super sassy, resourceful, and has a great ‘in’ with the important werewolves in North America .
Cons: I feel like her lifestyle might be a bit too dangerous for my tastes … I’m more of a “sit at home, drink tea, and speculate” kinda girl and less into ass kicking as a profession.

10) Merry and Pippin (We’re obviously on a first name basis)
Pros: They are two of the most famous Hobbits in Middle Earth which is obviously extremely cool. Plus if I managed to befriend them before the whole business with the ring I wouldn’t be seen as a hanger on, but could also manage to escape the whole fracas by “being sick that day … for 10 years”.
Cons: I wouldn’t be able to compete with their “Remember when?” stories. Plus my replica of the one ring might freak them out.

See! There is totally a space for me at the end of that table!

See! There is totally a space for me at the end of that table!

The Optimistic Pessimist

I am a bit of a pessimist.

Though, if I am being honest, I really prefer to be called an ‘optimistic pessimist’. You see, dear reader, I believe the glass is half full but I also know I’m going to knock it over anyways.

This is something I work on daily and I hope to one day overcome (both my dismal outlook and my knack for knocking over everything that isn’t nailed down).

Lately my Debbie Downer tendencies have started to take over and I am doing my best to not let them get the better of me, but it can be a struggle. I’ve been pulling out all the stops but things just aren’t looking up quite yet. (Thanks a lot, Brain.)

And while I am a firm believer in the healing powers of exercise and also of eating right (Chocolate Mini Eggs are so wrong they’re right which totally counts) sometimes these just don’t do it for me. I mean, it’s hard to enjoy a nice leisurely hike up the side of a mountain during the beautiful balmy spring days when you just know there are bears waking up and they are probably hungry and you didn’t bring a honey pot to bribe them with so obviously they are going to eat you.

You can't argue with the cold hard facts. Like how cold it is outside at night. And how hard the ground is to sleep on.

You can’t argue with the cold hard facts. Like how cold it is outside at night. And how hard the ground is to sleep on.

And it’s not like I can run fast after all of those damn mini eggs.

Delicious mini eggs! I always knew they would be my downfall!

Not to mention the threat of dinosaurs. Sure they are obviously extinct, but that doesn’t stop me from looking around every corner and waiting for the attack to come. It’s the age of genetic modification and gene splicing, anything is possible!

Dear Reader, in the interest of full disclosure I obviously know I am not *likely* to be attacked by a dinosaur. This last paragraph could be because I have been reading up waaaaay too much on Dinosaurs over the last several months. (Ok, that’s a lie. As if a person could ever read “too much” about dinosaurs! They are pretty much the best topic ever. If anything, I haven’t been reading enough about them!) It’s also possible I just wanted to share the Dino picture featured at the bottom of my post. Man, I can’t wait for ‘Jurassic World’.

Now I firmly believe things will get better, they always do. In the meantime I have compiled a list of facts which I now carry around in my wallet for easy viewing to help cheer myself up. These wonderful insights are knowledge I can turn to when life is bringing me down. I call it “Tools for Overcoming the Apocalypse” (Or, “Things Really Aren’t That Bad”):

  1. Things could always be worse. For example, my name could be spelled “Sara” without the H. *shudder*
  2. At least I got to eat all those mini-eggs!
  3. Even if the plot for ‘Jurassic World’ ends up sucking who cares? It’s not like I’m going to see it for the plot. Sometimes a girl just needs her Dino fix.
  4. I don’t have to outrun the bear, only the person I am hiking with. Note to self: Feed Kevin more junk food.
  5. So what if I can’t make a good carrot cake? It’s not like anyone actually enjoys carrot cake.
  6. Beer is still delicious.
  7. My family is pretty darn cool. When in doubt, call my brother and listen to his munchkins call me “Auntie Amie” … it works every time ❤
  8. Disney! It’s important to remember that I live in a world where it’s possible to watch ‘The Little Mermaid’ and ‘Beauty and the Beast’ any time I want!
  9. Mondays may suck, but they are also the day where ‘Moon Under Water’ offers half price appies so at least there is that.
  10. I am so lucky in so many ways (and not just because I now own a ‘Cricut’ which is every crafters dream).

This list while silly to some certainly helps me to put things in perspective and perspective really is the key when dealing with pessimism.

Until next time, dear reader!

Let me set the scene: You're out and about, hiking through the dense woods when the skin on the back of your neck prickles with an odd tension. Something is out there. Something is watching. DINOSAURS! RAWR!

Let me set the scene: You’re out and about, hiking through the dense woods when the skin on the back of your neck prickles with an odd tension. Something is out there. Something is watching.
DINOSAURS! RAWR!

Further Acceptance of Addiction (or, I really love Board Games)

So. Let’s make this clear right off the bat to spare both of us any embarrassment. I know you have absolutely no interest in what I am about to post. I know that board game reviews are best left to the experts (or at least the people with accounts at Board Game Geek). Honest, I know all this.

But I don’t really care.

It’s my blog and I’ll post a list if I want to. Get it? Got it? Good!

So, without further ado, I bring to you dear reader a list of my “All Time Top Five Favourite Board Games!” And, to show how much I care, a bonus list of my least favourite games (and they don’t just suck because I lose all the time … At least that’s not the only reason they suck.)

  1. Small World: You must leave these lands! At first glance Small World looks a lot like Risk. Luckily it is nothing like Risk. It’s adorable and aggressive at the same time and it is probably one of our most played board games.
  2. Pandemic: SAVE THE WORLD RIGHT NOW FROM ALL OF THE DISEASES OR EVERYONE YOU HAVE EVER LOVED WILL DIE AND IS PROBABLY DYING RIGHT THIS SECOND! This game was our first co-op game and it is honestly my favourite. It’s super intense, and unbelievably difficult. (The sweet spot is 3 players, that’s where it starts to seem possible to save the world.)
  3. Lord of the Rings: The Confrontation: I’m not going to lie, we definitely listen to the Lord of the Rings soundtracks as we play this game. It’s basically Stratego but much, much better. The variant version kicks serious ass. Lord of the Rings: The Confrontation is my favourite 2 player game.
  4. Ticket to Ride: Europe: I love trains! And colours! And geography!
  5. Sentinels of the Multi-Verse: So, this game is technically meant for 3 players or more, but we each play 2 characters which allows us to bypass this. It’s pretty great, a super intense super hero co-op game. Definitely worth looking into, even if it’s just for the comic backstories.

And now for some dishonorable mentions:

  1. Island Siege: The game was actually kind of fun, but super aggressive. I mean, it’s honestly impossible to win without destroying your opponent. Boo.
  2. Munchkin Quest: So, I love Munchkins. Honestly. It’s awesome, funny, and very easy to pick up. But the board game is confusing as hell and we still haven’t managed to play it complete through. (Though I imagine once we finally get the hang of it the game will be removed from this list.)
  3. Rivals for Catan: Settlers for Catan the card game built for two? There is a reason this game ranks so highly on Interactivity’s Divorce-O-Meter. It is awful! Awful, awful, awful and I hate it forever. (Can you sense my bitterness?)
  4. Lord of the Rings: (by Reiner Knizia) So, apparently this game is better if you have four players, but since we have no friends and usually play games as a twosome, this game sucked. Seriously, it was impossible. And not the fun “impossible” feeling you get when playing Pandemic, but the aggravating impossible feeling you get when you know your efforts are futile.

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Things That Should Bother Me But Instead Make Me Awesome, pt. 1.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a list and I know you’re dying to learn more about me. (Also, I didn’t have time to write a real post.) So, without further ado, here is a list of “5 Things That Should Bother Me But Instead Make Me Awesome, pt. 1”:

  • When browsing online for things to buy myself I always have to look through the “Gifts for Him Section” because the “Gifts for Her Section” is lame and doesn’t come with Beer Kits.
  • I ALWAYS find something wrong with movies. Always. You call it annoying, I call it striving for perfection.
  • I can’t start a book and not finish it, no matter how terrible it is. ‘Cause you never know if it might suddenly get good after 500 pages when you’re only a chapter from the end. It could happen (though it hasn’t yet).
  • I constantly make up stories about people in my head, giving every casual acquaintance a long (and often tragic) backstory. This is great until I start to mix up the backstory I invented with their actual history. Asking a friend about the aunt they lost at sea or their missing toe gets rather awkward when it’s all made up.
  • I am so socially awkward that I make Sheldon Cooper look like the most personable man in the world. Even if I can think of a million small top topics my mouth trips up and I end up just saying super weird things or giggling nervously or, if things are really bleak, saying “boogie boogie boogie” and attempting to dance. Even I wouldn’t want to talk to me.

Still, these quirks are a huge part of who I am and I wouldn’t change them for the world. Except maybe to improve my dancing skills as my awkward shaking to “boogie boogie boogie” is really quite ungainly.

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Beauty is on the Inside. … Right?

PS. Stay tuned, dear reader! Friday’s post will be a good one 🙂

Self Indulgence

Yesterday on my walk to the bus stop the sprinklers came on. (This shouldn’t have been a problem, but I usually walk on the grass when the opportunity arises, it’s better for your feet, and I was in the middle of the “danger zone” when they started, wetting me enough as to be uncomfortable, but not enough to soak through.) Not cool, Langford.

Aside from my impromptu second shower I have been having a pretty good week. I’ve stuck to my schedule of writing every day for the last week, though I don’t post everything I write. (You should thank me for that. Seriously. I expect a Thank You note, handwritten and delivered directly.) Also, I made it home alive from both jobs and, to top it all off, I finally got (under)paid.

Life is good.

Life is very good.

And what better way to reward myself for a week well done than to indulge in my two favourite pastimes: writing lists and talking about myself?

Thus I bring to you without further ado “The Awesome List” (or “10 Things You Didn’t Need to Know”):

1) About once a month I obsessively start listening to Josh Ritter again. This lasts anywhere from two to six days.

2) I DON’T GO A DAY WITHOUT ABUSING ALL CAPS.

3) I’m only smooth when no one is looking. (Seriously, remind me to tell you one day about the time I tripped over my coffee table, did a mid-air flip and landed on my feet while home alone.)
(Scratch that, you don’t need to remind me, I just told you about it.)

4) I’m still angry that my Dad wouldn’t let me join gymnastics.

5) Following that, I’m still grateful to my Mom for letting me quit the soccer team and sea cadets.

6) Sometimes I create my own “alphabet pattern” so people don’t judge me for alphabetizing everything.

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

R I Z Q H Y P G X O F W N E V M D U L C T K B S J A

Get it?

7) Every once in a while I get the urge to email my Dad using fake binary code. (0 for vowels, 1 for consonants).

8 ) It’s because of facts 6 and 7, and a host of other quirky habits, that I’m sure I will stay single. It’s all part of my perma-awkward state of being.

9) Getting to know me has three phases:
a) the shy awkward phase
b) the droll and witty awkward phase
c) the exuberantly entertaining awkward phase (complete with alliteration and excessive excitement)

And finally,

10) I only make lists ending in even numbers or multiples of five. The only exception to this is my occasional bakers’ dozen rants.

As an aside, I never know how to end these listed posts. It’s times like these I really wish I had a catch phrase …

PS. My comma key broke down during this post. Perhaps I should reconsider my comma overuse? … Perhaps, but probably not.

The Dating Saga Continues

*I have been asked if any of these guys made it past date one, or if they were recent additions to the ridiculousness that is my life. The answer is yes and no, respectively. Yes, one made it to date two, and no, none of these examples are recent.  I decided to wait before posting about people in case of stalking issues.

A special thanks to Kissee McGee and The (wishes he was) Hulk. Without you none of this would be possible.

The Dating Saga Continues and I am left to wonder, is it my awkwardness that brings out the worst in guys, or the worst in guys that brings out my awkwardness?

For your (hopefully) continued enjoyment, I bring to you 10 Signs Your Date was a Winner (or, Things That Actually Happened to Me):

1)      He gave me the once over and then said “I hope you got skim milk” after I ordered my latte

2)      He wanted me to walk him to his bus stop and wait with him, even though my bus came first

3)      He kissed me and all I could think was “He’s much shorter than he said. Much, much shorter.”

4)      He casually told me about his rage issues and how he almost got fired from work for taking a swing at a fellow employee

5)      … And then was surprised that I work retail and don’t “just snap” and “see red for hours”.

6)      He kissed me again and all I could think of was how much I wanted to go home, put on my sweat pants and dance around to the Camp Rock Soundtrack

7)      He asked me if I had ever had any life or death experiences, and if they turned me on

8)      He spent 25 minutes telling me about all of the things his ex-girlfriend “stole” in the breakup

9)      … And then delighted in telling me that he stole her bird, and it died (apparently these two facts are unrelated, but still quite suspicious)

10)   When the highlight of the date was coming home to tell my parents about all the things that went wrong.

With that in mind, dating in Victoria is still better than dating in Edmonton. At least no guy here has made me sit through a half hour of abortion and rape jokes, and then got angry when “I wasn’t in the mood”.

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