Morning Person

When I wake up every morning at 5:30 to walk Ninja, Kevin steals my pillow.

People I tell this story to think it’s cute and romantic, that he is snuggling my pillow in an attempt to be close to me.

I personally think it’s demonic.

It’s my pillow, buddy. Hands (or face, as it were) off.

Alas, I have yet to think of a form of sabotage that doesn’t backfire by destroying my pillow.

It’s a real problem, Dear Reader.

I welcome any suggested solutions, except those telling me to share.

 

Wherefore art thou Mini Eggs?

I have struggled to write something all week and have accomplished nothing more than a headache and general disdain for my keyboard.
My muse appears to have moved on. Curse thee, fickle muse!

You see, Dear Reader, I am making an effort to return to regularly posting weird snippets but it is much more difficult than I remember!
Much, much, much more difficult! 

To help build back my broken habit and to combat my angry writers block I have decided that this week instead of writing original content or trying to be clever I will just share a recent email chain between me and dear old Dad.

Let me set the scene: It is last week and I have just posted my first blog entry in an eon. I decide to inform my Father as I am under the assumption that my email will somehow reach him faster than the automated message from WordPress that brings him news of my newest post. My Father, who has been nagging me for MONTHS to write again will no doubt be pleased …

—– Original Message —–
From: Sarah
Sent: Wed, 08 Mar 2017 2:17 PM
Subject: Top Secret

I posted a new blog post. It’s shit, but it’s a start.
For my reward (and birthday present) I want a jumbo bag of cadbury mini eggs given in a brown paper bag with shifty eyes and while hiding in the garage.
Much obliged.
Cindy

 

Received: Mar 8, 2017, at 9:03 PM, Dad wrote:

… Congrat’s… it’s really good!

 

From: Sarah
Sent: Wed, 08 Mar 2017 9:14:PM
Subject: Re: Congrat’s

Yes, but what about those mini eggs?

Received: Thu, Mar 9, 2017 at 7:06 PM, Dad wrote:
… the jumbo bag costs almost $20… and I cannot, in all conscience, allow you to harm yourself so thoroughly…   after all… I am a Dad!

Alas. It appears I must remain Cadbury Mini Egg-less. I see that my creative endeavours are worth far less than the $20 price tag of delicious candy coated chocolate.
My heart is broken.
Thanks, Dad.

The Big 3-0

il_fullxfull_1188239041_pzkrI am turning 30 in exactly twenty five days.

(I’m not going to lie there is a large part of me that is kicking itself for not getting this post out five days earlier so I could have talked about my “Thirty Day Countdown to Thirty. Alas such are the perils of short sightedness and the art of missed opportunities!)

Twenty Five Days from now I will hit the big one, the big 3-0 and I honestly am feeling pretty ok about this.

Not thrilled, but also not devastated. You know, kind of ambivalent? Very meh?

Sure, I’m not “Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving” like Jennifer Garner always lead me to believe I would be and there are so many things I would change if I could, but I’m also fairly confident with my place in life. I’m better off than most and not as well off as others, and isn’t that just the perfect spot to be as a millennial?

Still, this Big Birthday does carry some significance and as such I feel the need to commemorate it with a list of some sort. Obviously. Though really it’s more of a rambly stream of thoughts than a traditional list … perhaps this is a sign of my advancing senility?

But I digress.

Without further ado I bring to you Dear Reader(s?) (Are there more than one of you left after my lengthy absence? Or is it just my Dad?) “Thoughts on Thirty”:

  1. I can finally play a teenager on TV. (Assuming I could act, which I can’t.)
  2. The above mentioned reference is clearly dated as actors in their early twenties now play teenagers and the early 90s practice of having really old people play kids a la ‘Saved By The Bell’ is a bit passé. This is yet another sign of my advanced age.
  3. Instead I can act as the love interest of Harrison Ford, Clint Eastwood, or any other aged film star past his prime. (Or at least I can for another two years; I think the cap on playing the love interest of a 60+ year old in Hollywood is 32. Better double check with Maggie Gyllenhaal.)
  4. In non-Hollywood related thoughts I can finally say a firm, all caps “NO” to going out on evenings and weekends without getting sucked into the FOMO lifestyle of twenty-something’s.
  5. In addition to point 4, I can finally make fun of FOMO out loud instead of just as part of my internal monologue.
  6. And Bae. Anyone who says Bae in my company is going to receive a disparaging glare and will earn my eternal ridicule. This really has nothing to do with turning thirty, I just hate abbreviations. Especially abbreviations that make me feel old. (My apologies to fellow bloggers who say “Bae, FOMO, totes, etc.” I still like you even if your posts make my brain bleed.)
  7. Which reminds me, is “On Point” still a thing? Like, is this Post On Point? I just have no idea anymore.
  8. But, in more positive news, turning thirty brings me one year closer to being debt-free – just another 276 years of paying the minimum payment on all of those credit cards to go and I’ll kick that sucker in no time!
  9. With the advancements of science and technology I may actually live to see those 276 years go by so I can celebrate my debt-free existence with an unnecessarily large and frivolous purchase that I cannot afford.
  10. Boxed wine is no longer acceptable. Instead spring for the $12 bottle and drink it like you understand a word the liquor store guy said about “tannins”.
  11. Can I drink this wine and toast to being unmarried? Does that make me independent and worldy?
  12. What if I cry into the glass and just tell my horrified friends that the salt in the tears brings out the tannins?
  13. Who needs marriage anyway?
  14. And how should I respond to the complete stranger telling me that my ovaries are dead? Is it considered rude to kick strangers in the genitals?
  15. What if I just carry around a bottle of baby vomit and a recording of a child crying and chase the perpetrator around with both until they sob uncontrollably and leave me alone?
  16. Can strangers tell I am bitter?
  17. Also, is thirty really the new twenty?
  18. And what does that even mean?

Full Disclosure: I originally wanted to write “Thirty Thoughts on Turning Thirty” but I really just don’t have that many thoughts about this whole thing. I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or not.

Perhaps it’s good that I am attempting to return to blogging, this gal clearly needs some practice on her introspection.

Sincerely,

S.M.R.P.

Irish Times

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

In 2012 I was lucky enough to go to Ireland to visit one of my best friends and I have to tell you, dear reader, it was even better than I imagined. For as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with Ireland. At 4 and 5 years old I used to talk about wanting to visit the Emerald Isle and that love has stayed with me my entire life.

I was only there for a week so I sadly did not see as much as I would have liked, though I was able to visit the two places I have been obsessed with almost my entire life. The Cliffs of Mohr and The Giant’s Causeway. (And for those of you planning a trip to Ireland, they are both totally worth checking out.) Also, I was able to sample my fair share of pubs.

Now I have grand plans to go back for a longer visit and cycle around, touring the country to my heart’s content. The trip is a few years down the road as Ireland is expensive and the Canadian dollar is not at its best, but I know that when I do make it back I will love it all the more for having waited. (This, dear reader, is a lie we tell ourselves to make waiting less annoying. It has never worked for me, though I still try. Does it work for you?)

Alas, since I cannot be in Ireland to celebrate both St. Paddy’s Day and my friend’s birthday I will instead list my top five favourite things to do at home to celebrate the Irish!

  • Drink beer! No, dear reader, I don’t mean any of that green beer shit that young’uns love to drink and pretend tastes good. No, it’s a nice pint of Kilkenny for me. Kilkenny has been my beer of choice since I became old enough to have a beer of choice.
  • Eat Potatoes (Most likely salt ‘n’ vinegar chips, but those still count, right?)
  • Wear Green (And not just because it brings out the green in my eyes)
  • Listen to the Dubliners and Flogging Molly all day long (Yes, I know Flogging Molly are not really Irish, but neither am I)
  • Day Dream about Chris O’Dowd all day long (Really, all year long … just don’t tell Kevin)

I know that my ways of appreciating the Irish are cliché and possibly a little insulting in their stereotypes (Potatoes? That’s a thing, right?) but I hope any Irish readers out there see it as the pure and sincere love it is.

Ireland is the home I wish I had, the place I would move to in a heartbeat if the opportunity presented itself. It is the most beautiful country I have ever seen with some of the warmest people I have ever met.

And I can’t wait to go back.

A moment of reverence for those late great Irish Times

A moment of reverence for those late great Irish Times

 

Sing a Happy Song

So this weekend I did not smash my niece and nephew’s Christmas presents or even steal any candy from them. I guess that’s a good thing but I’m still undecided on that front. Instead I spent the weekend being nice (mostly) and enjoying the effortless joy that comes with visiting family (mostly).

All in all ‘Plan New Year’ is not off to a great start but I would still call this weekend a success. You see, dear reader, I have a secret weapon, an instant joy maker that allows me to be happy and forget about my worries. It’s something I am grateful for every day knowing that not everyone is as lucky as me in this regard.

No, it’s not the love of my family or the joy of watching my niece and nephew grow and develop unique personalities. Don’t be ridiculous.

No, dear reader, my secret weapon is ‘Dexys Midnight Runners’. Or, more specially, their song “Come On Eileen”.

“Come On Eileen” is my happy song, my upper of choice, my rock when times get rough.
(Punny.)

Honestly I am not joking at all. I am being completely, 100% serious.

It started more than 15 years ago when I first heard the song on the radio. It was catchy and fun and I heard it at a time in my life where everything was going well and I remember being happy. A few years later when I finally discovered downloadable music it was the first song I procured (that’s a lie, but it was certainly the most significant song) and even at a young age I knew what I had was special.

For the next ten years I only ever listened to “Come On Eileen” when I was happy. Good day at school? Come on Eileen! My crush talked to me? Toora loora! My first pay cheque? At this moment you mean everything!

It was an unintentional study in positive reinforcement and the end result has been delightful. Over the years I have unconsciously removed the song from every playlist during my dark times (these times were reserved for angsty verse and tragic love songs) and as such the song has never been tainted. It is still my happiest song and can instantly change my mood around with just the first few bars.

I am still careful not to overuse it or ever abuse its powers for evil.

Instead I prefer to listen to it when I know it will help, and it never lets me down.

 

Plan New Year: A Life Lesson

This weekend Julia and I are going to visit my brother and his family on the mainland. I am quite excited, especially to see my darling niece and nephew who I adore (yes, Walter, we can play “Airplanes”). I am especially excited as it has been months since I have last seen them and it will be great to catch up. Also I am super excited because it means I can put ‘Plan New Year’ into motion. (So much excitement!)

‘Plan New Year’ begins with me buying super awesome presents for the kidlets and enjoying the spark of joy I see in their eyes as they fall in love with their new possession, the power of imagination taking over and reminding me it’s the little things in life that matter. I will probably even play with them and their new toys, planning adventures and enjoying the kid babble.

It will be magical.

And then on the second day I plan to take those toys away, smash them, and throw the fragmented pieces into the garbage, eyes narrowed and smirking as my darling niece and nephew stare at me in horror while they learn far too young that life is not fair.

Whoa, whoa, whoa dear reader, please put the pitchfork down and try and be a little less offended. I am not a real monster I am only pretending to be.

You see the last few years have taught me a very important life lesson and ‘Plan New Year’ is my attempt to implement it. Growing up I used to believe that “Bad things happen to bad people, and good things happen to good people” (Thanks, Disney) but I am now realizing that’s a load of hooey! In fact, the opposite is true.

Dino Comics

If I was a dinosaur no one would question my need to stomp and wave my arms. Oh, one can dream!

“Bad things happen to GOOD people and Good things happen to BAD People!” (You know, in case you weren’t quite sure what I meant by opposite.)

Don’t try and convince me otherwise, I am finally wise to the truth. I frequently binge watch Netflix and have seen ‘House of Cards’ and the first two seasons of ‘Breaking Bad’. Terrible things happen to good people and the bad people are rewarded with power, money, and awesome monologues. Now, I haven’t seen how these shows ended but I’m sure it was happily right? No spoilers please.

Which is why, dear reader, I have decided to become a Bad Person. And what better way to do this than by emotionally scarring those dearest to my heart? No, seriously, I am asking. Do you have any suggestions? I am happy to take notes. Bad Person 101 doesn’t seem to be a class that is offered at any nearby schools and Coursera was totally useless on this front.

No suggestions? That’s cool. Thanks for trying.

Wish me luck my internet friends as ‘Plan New Year’ begins, if all else fails at least I will have some blog fodder when my 2 year old nephew beats me up with toy fragments and my brother and sister-in-law tear me to shreds for playing mind games with their children.

Adieu!

PS. Perhaps when I mature a bit more and get over the bitterness of misplaced anger I will learn the real lesson which is that “Bad things happen. Period. End of sentence.” Until then find me a baby so I can steal some candy.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Hello, 2015 pt. 2 (Resolutions to Resolve)

As a lover of Accounting I usually make ‘Fiscal Year-End Resolutions’ on April 1st rather than the traditional January 1st Resolutions, but this year I have decided to be a bit more mainstream. You see, dear reader, I am really relieved for 2014 to be over (as I mentioned in my last post) and am also just really excited to see what 2015 brings. I have high hopes for this year!

Over the last month I have thought long and hard about the person I am as well as about the person I want to be (Felicia Day, obviously, though apparently it’s not possible to become another person so I will just have to stick with being myself). For the most part I am very happy with myself though as I get older I find myself more and more motivated towards self-improvement.

This is why for 2015 I am doing something different with my resolutions. I have decided to scrap my old standby goals “Stop eating Salt n Vinegar Chips”, “Start Exercising More”, and, my personal favourite, “No, really! Stop eating those damn chips!” and have instead chosen a few deeper, slightly pretentious resolutions.

So, without further ado, I bring to you dear reader my “Resolutions for 2015 (and Beyond!)”

  1. Be myself. Every minute of every day. As a person with very low self-esteem I have always held myself back except when I am with someone I am truly comfortable with. I have always been afraid to say the wrong thing or act the wrong way and as a result of this I have always felt high levels of anxiety when in the company of others. But it’s time for this to change. 2014 was the year where, despite all of the lows, I realized how much I really and truly like myself.
    photo 1
  2. Write, Write and Write! In the last 6 months I have written more than I have in the last 6 years. I have been writing every single day. Some of my writing is posted on my blogs and some of it is private and personal but all of it is cathartic and necessary for my own peace of mind. Writing gives me perspective, it brings me humour, and it allows me to release my constant stream of thoughts. In 2015 I will continue to write, write, and write.
  3. Cultivate a Positive Mindset. Since November I have stopped listening to “sad songs” and I have to tell you it has really made a difference in my thought patterns! I tend to have a negative and anxious brain and lately I have been really focused on changing this. It’s not easy and it certainly takes a lot of time but it is worth every second. In the next year I really and truly hope to work on this until it eventually becomes something I don’t have to work on at all.
  4. Remember My Mantra. This is really more of a 3b resolution than a separate one altogether but whatever … In this last year I have finally realized the truth about Happiness: “Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of travelling” – Margaret Lee Runbeck. This is something I would like to remind myself of daily until it too becomes habit.
  5. Be a Good Friend. I am not always a great friend. Sometimes I can be quite self-involved and other times I am just too unsure of what to say so I don’t say anything at all. Also, I have two BRILLIANT pen pals who I am always very remiss about sending mail to. This is going to change in 2015.
  6. Be Healthier. Unlike my past resolutions about gym memberships and vegetarianism this resolution is about both physical AND mental health which I am learning go hand in hand. It’s all about the little, manageable changes. I want to be a healthier person and when you are committed to this type of lifestyle it doesn’t feel like work. In fact, it feels great!
  7. Read More, Read Better. I have always been a voracious reader (you can tell this by the fact that I use words like voracious in my writing) but I have a tendency to get into reading slumps where I read the same and similar books over and over. This year I want to read more varied books. I have many loaded up and ready to go on my Kobo and I also plan on reintroducing my reading tracking system that I used in the years I worked at a bookstore. (This involves an Excel Spreadsheet and Colour Coding and boy am I excited!)
  8. Don’t Forget about Worry Time. Every evening for the last three weeks I have written in a “Worry Journal” for 15 minutes. Allowing myself these 15 minutes of worry time daily has stopped the anxious thoughts from crowding my brain at all hours and it has become indispensable. It’s a “me time” that has helped me considerably and it’s a habit I plan to bring into the New Year.
  9. Say Yes! There have been countless times in my life where I have said no to experiences and situations because of anxiety. But this year I plan on saying yes a lot more (not always, but more often).
  10. Declutter! I plan on downsizing my apartment, my closet, my books, my Internet Favourites. Everything. Less stuff. Period.

For the first time in my life I feel like my resolutions are all attainable. They aren’t something I have to force (like not eating chips) and they aren’t something I will loathe (like not eating chips). Instead they are all positive things that I feel good about.

Happy New Year, dear readers!

photo 2

Do you still have to carry a poop bag if you are walking a Chicken?