Friendly Not Flirty (Dear Gentleman Barista)

Dear Gentleman Barista,

I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable when I winked at you this morning. I recognize now that it was a weird thing to do especially with the lineup of people behind me. I will know better next time and promise to only wink when the place is empty.

Or, you know, just never wink again.

Also I am doubly sorry for loudly stating that I was being “friendly, not flirty” before laughing awkwardly and bumping into the gift card display. I just wanted to be clear and wasn’t sure how best to get the message across. Perhaps I should have just slid you a note? Either way, I think drawing attention to myself definitely made me seem more ‘flirty than friendly’ which was obviously not what I was going for.

I suppose silence is best in situations like this.

Honestly this nervousness is just because I have no idea how to act around you. Your penchant for giving me free stuff makes me uncomfortable as I am not sure if it’s because you “like me” or if it is meant as an apology for how you always spell my name wrong. (It’s Sarah with an H!)

I am not comfortable with people “liking me”. It’s weird and I don’t like it …

Alas, I do love not having to pay for soy and getting the occasional pretzel for free has the power to turn my frown upside down every time. Thank you for this.

To get back on point I really just want to make sure I am not leading you on in any way with my adorable awkwardness.
(My super cuteness factor isn’t something I can just turn off. It comes naturally to me.)

I promise I will give it up one day ...  I mean Starbucks. Get your mind out of the gutter.

I promise I will give it up one day …
I mean Starbucks. Get your mind out of the gutter.

The truth is I am quite happy with my current paramour and while I don’t think he can make a very good latte I still would like to keep him around. This doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate you and the awesome work you do, it just means this awkward tension between us is never going to go anywhere. Ever.

Was that too blunt?

My bad.

I hope we can continue our relationship of Barista/Customer both knowing that this is as far as it will ever go.

I also really hope you can start spelling my name right as it is one of my biggest Pet Peeves, though I am sure I can let it go if I must.
(That’s a lie, I will never let it go and if the opportunity ever presents itself I will definitely spell your name wrong!)

Thank you for your time (and for all of the free stuff).

Sincerely,
S.M.R.P

PS. If your interest in me is because you think I have money please know that I don’t. I come to Starbucks all the time not because I can afford it, but because I am reckless and irresponsible.

PPS. Awkwardly winking at you and almost knocking over a display still isn’t the most embarrassing thing to happen to me at a Starbucks … Perhaps it’s time I just stop going? … … One day.

To Bus Man, My New Love

I love to make people uncomfortable. This is not a mean thing, I’m just awkward all the time and it makes me feel better about myself when other people squirm and avoid direct eye contact. You know that twitchy gleam in the eyes of someone who just wants to run in the opposite direction? I love that.
(Where am I going with this? You’re about to find out!)

Yesterday I had an opportunity to let my awkwardness shine (and also to paint myself as a hypocrite for all of the “Strange People on the Bus” rants I have written).

But before I get into the details, dear reader, here’s a bit of back story for you. Because I am up all night searching for funny cat pictures on the interwebs and cyber stalking Daniel Radcliffe I really look at my morning commute as a chance to smush my face against the window and zone out in a semiconscious state that’s close enough to sleep to be restful, but alert enough that I don’t miss my stop. It is not an opportunity for me to make friends or to engage in small talk with other people unfortunate enough to be taking the bus at 6:50am. Gone are the days of friendly bus banter, I’ve practiced my stern look and I use it with confidence.

Understood? Excellent.

Well, usually my attitude towards people on the bus isn’t a problem (and is, in fact, shared by most commuters) but yesterday was different. There I was, riding the bus to work and looking absolutely adorable in all my bleary eyed, sleep deprived glory, when three stops in a man got on who decided that talking to me would be a great way to start off his day. He seemed pleasant and not at all like a serial killer, but I am definitely not capable of flirting in the morning. Not to mention the fact that I have a hard enough time choosing which celebrity I want to mentally date each week without adding a real person to the mix. (Imaginary boyfriends are the best boyfriends.)

So, after about 10 minutes of engaging conversation and thoughtful questions I did what any girl would do. I smiled, brushed my hair behind my ear, and spoke:

“We would make the cutest babies!”

Silence.

“Just kidding! … Our babies would look so weird!”

Bus Man got off on the next stop and I was able to enjoy the rest of my commute in blissful silence.

Sometimes life is good.

I am totally a People Person.