Lessons Learned in a Galaxy Far, Far Away

Dear George Lucas,

There is nothing that I can say that hasn’t been said a million times already (mostly by people far more eloquent than myself). You have disappointed me time and time again. Still, I suppose I owe you a thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Lucas, not just for creating one of the most beloved trilogies of all time, the brilliant space epic “Star Wars”, but also for teaching me about disappointment and tragedy.

No, I am not talking about the disappointment Luke Skywalker felt at being forced to stay and help with the farm on Tatooine or the tragedy of Alderaan being blown up.

I am talking about the disappointment of you claiming Han shot first. I am speaking to the tragedy that is ‘Phantom Menace’.

What were you thinking?

Why couldn’t you just leave well enough alone?

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I dislike you and your smug face.

I get that CGI is cool and the additions to the Cantina scene weren’t terrible, but why did you have to add Hayden Christensen to ‘Return of the Jedi’? How does that even make sense? HOW?!

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate everything about Star Wars Episodes 1, 2, and 3.

I just hate most of everything about them.

Am I being a bit harsh?

I apologize; I suppose the wounds are still fresh.

Truthfully I was ready to forgive you for the way you stomped on my childhood but then you gave us ‘Indiana Jones 4’ and I realized some people just like to watch the world burn.

Upon realizing this darkness of your soul I cracked open a bottle of bubbly (Coca Cola, not Champagne … what do you think? I’m not made of money!) the day it was announced that the Star Wars Franchise had been sold to Disney. They will treat it right (I hope) while exploiting all possible marketing opportunities  and I couldn’t be happier.

I am going to buy so many toys! Though I suppose as a self-respecting adult I should start calling them ‘collectables’.

Despite my deep dislike for you, I still wish you all the best in your life.

And I suppose deep down I am thankful for you teaching me these lessons. Despite how often my parents tried to teach me that life isn’t fair you were really the one who hammered that home and for that I am grateful.

Sincerely,

SMRP

PS. I don’t suppose there is a chance I can come visit the Skywalker Ranch? I promise to be so, so polite (Obviously, I am Canadian!).

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17 thoughts on “Lessons Learned in a Galaxy Far, Far Away

    • Excellent 🙂
      Maybe if we get enough signatures George Lucas can continue to not care about his fans as he rolls in piles of money (I assume he rolls in the money, though that seems dreadfully un-hygienic).
      PS. Thanks for commenting 😀

      • I don’t even sweat Jar Jar. I just hate pretty much every ret con he shoved in there. I get so angry about how dumb he made the Jedi, and how much little he tried to get us the audience to care about Anakin. How easily Darth Maul was defeated. Amidala dying of heartbreak. Grr.

    • There is an awesome YouTube version of Phantom Menace where a fan edited out a lot of the movie and it is actually good. (I would like it, but I couldn’t find it on my quick search.)
      I look forward to numbing myself to 1, 2, and 3. I had thought I was over it but with the anticipation for the new movie the wounds resurfaced.
      PS. Thank you for commenting!

  1. Is it bad that I have yet to see any of the Star Wars movies in their entirety? It’s awful. The worst. I’ve been meaning to change that. I think this blog post was a sign. This weekend. It’s happening. But maybe skip the Phantom Menace?

    • That is terrible but I will forgive you anyways 🙂
      They are definitely worth the watch! (Especially 4, 5, and 6)
      I would say only watch Phantom Menace if you are a completionist. There are a few (like, really not very many) cool scenes but for the most part it is just 2 hours of stomping on the hopes and dreams of fans.

  2. While watching Star Wars (back when it actually was Star Wars, sometime in 1977), an eleven year old sitting a row ahead of me, told me to calm down so he could enjoy the movie. He then threatened me with what appeared to be a light sabre. Fearing for my safety, I have avoided the franchise since.

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