This weekend Julia and I are going to visit my brother and his family on the mainland. I am quite excited, especially to see my darling niece and nephew who I adore (yes, Walter, we can play “Airplanes”). I am especially excited as it has been months since I have last seen them and it will be great to catch up. Also I am super excited because it means I can put ‘Plan New Year’ into motion. (So much excitement!)
‘Plan New Year’ begins with me buying super awesome presents for the kidlets and enjoying the spark of joy I see in their eyes as they fall in love with their new possession, the power of imagination taking over and reminding me it’s the little things in life that matter. I will probably even play with them and their new toys, planning adventures and enjoying the kid babble.
It will be magical.
And then on the second day I plan to take those toys away, smash them, and throw the fragmented pieces into the garbage, eyes narrowed and smirking as my darling niece and nephew stare at me in horror while they learn far too young that life is not fair.
Whoa, whoa, whoa dear reader, please put the pitchfork down and try and be a little less offended. I am not a real monster I am only pretending to be.
You see the last few years have taught me a very important life lesson and ‘Plan New Year’ is my attempt to implement it. Growing up I used to believe that “Bad things happen to bad people, and good things happen to good people” (Thanks, Disney) but I am now realizing that’s a load of hooey! In fact, the opposite is true.
“Bad things happen to GOOD people and Good things happen to BAD People!” (You know, in case you weren’t quite sure what I meant by opposite.)
Don’t try and convince me otherwise, I am finally wise to the truth. I frequently binge watch Netflix and have seen ‘House of Cards’ and the first two seasons of ‘Breaking Bad’. Terrible things happen to good people and the bad people are rewarded with power, money, and awesome monologues. Now, I haven’t seen how these shows ended but I’m sure it was happily right? No spoilers please.
Which is why, dear reader, I have decided to become a Bad Person. And what better way to do this than by emotionally scarring those dearest to my heart? No, seriously, I am asking. Do you have any suggestions? I am happy to take notes. Bad Person 101 doesn’t seem to be a class that is offered at any nearby schools and Coursera was totally useless on this front.
No suggestions? That’s cool. Thanks for trying.
Wish me luck my internet friends as ‘Plan New Year’ begins, if all else fails at least I will have some blog fodder when my 2 year old nephew beats me up with toy fragments and my brother and sister-in-law tear me to shreds for playing mind games with their children.
PS. Perhaps when I mature a bit more and get over the bitterness of misplaced anger I will learn the real lesson which is that “Bad things happen. Period. End of sentence.” Until then find me a baby so I can steal some candy.