I am a mitten girl, it’s true. Yes, I know they aren’t the most functional choice for hand warming or, to be honest, always the most fashionable, but still I love them all the same.
For many years while I lived in Edmonton all I would wear when venturing out into the great white north were my bright red mittens. Every day from October through April I would sport these hand-me-down red beauties enjoying the blissful coziness of their warm embrace and feeling just oh-so-very adorable.
Sure there were some drawbacks. I could never text or really use my phone in any way (which was a bit of a problem as you needed a phone to access the transit schedules in Edmonton) and I could never change the song on my iPod, but I didn’t mind. I was cute and that’s all that matters.
Then one day tragedy struck.
I was crossing the street by my home at 109th and Whyte Avenue, which is not the best of intersections (drivers be crazy!), when all of a sudden it hit me. Like, literally hit me. A car. (Well, I suppose it’s more accurate to say it “bumped” me …) The blow to my thigh nudged me over and my feet skidded on the thick ice. I went down, hard, backside to asphalt. The driver slowed slightly, narrowly avoiding my outstretched leg as they checked to see if I was dead on impact, looking more annoyed than chagrined.
I was furious. With all of the rage and hurt in my heart and buttocks I lifted my hand waving it high in the air as I stood back up, giving the driver the most aggressive middle finger of my life.
To which they waved right back, a small relieved smile on their face as they continued on their merry way.
Suddenly, as if I was an independent observer, I noticed how I looked standing there on the ice waving like a mad lunatic at the driver, my angry finger encased in the bright red mitten, looking for all the world like I was waving the driver on as opposed to enjoying the angry ritual of the middle finger.
It was then I discovered a valuable life lesson: there is nothing more dissatisfying than giving someone the finger while wearing mittens.