*Disclaimer: This story is not PG 13. Well, at least, I think it’s not. Kids today are so much more “worldly” than they used to be. Or maybe it’s just that I have always been naïve? Regardless, be warned! Mature content below!
By this point in my life I am pretty sure my existence is just one embarrassing moment after another, tied together with less embarrassing moments, and the occasional awkward conversation. (Though one would think that constant humiliation would actually make it harder for me to be embarrassed, but one would be wrong.)
But every once in a while an embarrassing moment happens that just puts all others to shame. It may be a coworker trying to make a man to ask me on a date, or it may be that I have spilled lemonade on my white pants and am forced to spend the entire day looking like I couldn’t make it to the bathroom in time. Whatever the cause, there are times when even I can’t believe my (lack of) luck.
Take, for example, what happened to me today:
I was at Starbucks this morning, continuing my practice of throwing away any chance I have of retirement in exchange for an overpriced beverage. I go there so often the staff know me by name, and even have my order memorized. (This actually sucks, as I am far too polite to tell them when I actually want something different, so I am stuck getting the same smoothie every day. Perhaps one day I will work up the nerve to actually pay for something I want?) As usual, I engaged in friendly chit chat while I pulled out my wallet which would just not come out of my purse. (I am one of those jerks who will stand in line for twenty minutes, and not even open my purse until I am right at the check out. Sorry, folks, you’d think my years in retail would have made me more sensitive.) Finally, after untangling some keys and with a large amount of force, I managed to jerk my wallet out of my handbag.
Unfortunately my wallet wasn’t the only thing that came free.
In front of the eyes of two Starbucks employees, and a line-up of six people (including one coworker) out popped my “erotic dice”, going straight up in the air at eye level and landing in the middle of the counter at “blow” and “nipples”. The cashier went purple she was laughing so hard. At least two people in the line had to cover their mouths, vibrating with laughter. I stood rooted to the ground completely stunned before finally mustering up all that was left of my dignity and putting the dice back in my purse. Well, attempting to. In my hurry to throw the offending pieces back in my bag, I fumbled and managed to drop one on the ground, having it roll beneath an occupied table (this time landing at “tease”). Then, after my crawl to retrieve the die, I still had to go back up to the counter and pay.
I don’t think I have every spent more time starring at the ground, nor has my face ever been that red.
Though, in an effort to look on the bright side of life, I may finally be able to stick to my budget. You see, there is absolutely no way I am stepping into that Starbucks anytime soon. At least not without a fake mustache and a voice distorter.