So, you’ve spent the last 6 evenings hunkered down in the Self Help Relationship Section at Chapters and you’re still at a loss. The 90 pages you furtively read from “He’s Just Not That Into You” while pretending to browse the Cooking Section were hardly enlightening. And your friends are all no help, offering you mixed advice tinged with man-hating bitterness from the eternally single and revolting optimism from the happily married.
I know, it’s frustrating.
We’ve all been there, trying to read the signs and signals, desperately staring at your phone willing it to vibrate (pervert) and over analyzing every exchange. (What did he mean by “Good Morning”?! Does the lack of punctuation imply disinterest? Are the Capital Letters a sign he’s in love?)
But I’m here to help! I bring to you, dear reader “5 Signs that He is Maybe, Possibly Considering Dumping You” to assist you with your neurosis:
(Please note, these signs are not 100%. Perhaps he’s just having a bad day?)
1) His Facebook Relationship Status says he is “In a Relationship” … with someone else.
2) He hit you with his car after dropping you off, and then reversed and hit you again.
3) He has blocked your cell, home and office numbers, blocked you and your alter-ego on Facebook, and redirected all three of your email addresses to the SPAM folder.
4) He moved, twice, without giving you a forwarding address.
5) He put a bag on your head (STILL COUNTS!)
(Lonely Island Shout Out? YES, PLEASE!)
If after reading this list things are still unclear, I suggest calling him 27 times and hanging up until he calls you. After all, stalking is a legitimate way to show interest.
But if the dreaded (and, let’s face it, fairly inevitable) Break Up does happen, don’t despair. There are ways to move on!
The best way to move past a break up? Optimism and an Adele CD. If after a week of her heart wrenching tracks and a Can Do attitude you are still devastated (and the restraining order prevents you from parking outside his house all night, every night) I suggest further break up therapy in the form of “Coping Strategies”. (That’s psych speak for “Strategies to Help You Cope”. I’ve learned a lot during my years working in Health Care.)
You want to know my break up coping strategies? Well, even if you don’t, Ima gonna tell you anyways! Here are, in no particular order aside from the order I put them in, “Strategies for the Suddenly Single”
1) Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey Ice Cream (who doesn’t love frozen bananas? Soulless people, that’s who!)
2) Gilmore Girls Seasons 2, 5 or 6 (though the Dance off Episode from Season 3, the Wedding Episode from Season 4, and the Karaoke Episode from Season 7 are also acceptable).
3) Repeated viewings of “He’s Just Not That Into You”, “13 Going on 30”, “Bridget Jones’ Diary”, “The Holiday”, and “Pretty in Pink” (Oh Duckie, I would’ve chosen you!)
4) Spending ALL DAY, EVERY DAY in sweatpants. Seriously. Try it.
5) LOLCATS Internet Searches, Cute Dinosaur Videos on Youtube and ANYTHING Involving Alliteration
(That last part, about alliteration? Yeah, totally would’ve been better if I had utilized alliteration.)
And remember, if all else fails, they sell baseball bats and ski masks at your local SportsMart.
Now I shall end this delightfully informative post in the immortal words of the guy George Clooney made that movie about, “Good Night, and Good Luck”.