I have yet to master the Friend Request.
I either ask too soon (“Hello! We just met 3 hours 45 minutes and 26 seconds ago, but please add me as a friend so I can creep your profile!”), or way too late (“Hiya! Remember me? We met at that house party 4 months ago and never spoke again? Please add me as a friend so I can find out everything about you ever!”).
It makes me look creepy.
Which I’m obviously not. I mean, I am definitely going to internet stalk you, and it isn’t really a coincidence that we shop at the same grocery store 30 blocks out of my way.
Though I really did think we were playing a game the other day, remember? When you ran down the street after I shot you the ‘wink and wave’? If I’d known you were running from me I probably wouldn’t have chased you. Probably.
I’m not a weirdo. Honest.
But after my latest incident (I may have friended a bit too eagerly), I have decided to follow these three rules of Friending Etiquette:
1) Only add people you know. This doesn’t count for “Hey! I know that guy, his brother’s friend played on my sister’s volleyball team!” situations. No. This is for people you actually know.
2) Treat the Friend Request the same way you would a phone number request. Don’t add people who you don’t actually want to contact.
3) Don’t add someone you just met unless you think they were actually into you. Read the signs. If they are pointedly looking at their watch while you tell them about your love of Robin Williams in One Hour Photo it is not a sign that they can’t believe how fast time is passing by! (This is a hard one. I mean, who doesn’t love One Hour Photo?)
Hopefully these three rules will lessen the number of Restraining Orders I receive. And if that fails, I suppose I can retire the Night Vision Goggles.